In the world of food, if I could pick one food that really triggers my hunger, it’s cookies.
Yes, I am a cookie monster. I don’t really have a favorite kind of cookie … just … cookies.
I would pass up a lot of really good food to have a plate of cookies warm right out of the oven. Preferably, they fall apart when you pick them up.
I’m salivating. Pavlov has nothing on me.
So at work for the past few days there has been this box of cookies on the table in the break room. They’re just THERE. You know what I’m talking about. It’s not that there just there, but in some unknown existential manner they are THERE almost as if they could call out to me. And I’m standing HERE…looking over THERE.
I laugh at myself. I just wrote about making decisions. “Just one” is not a decision, it’s the key that opens the floodgate of uncontrollable cookie consumption. Eating one cookie is for me what one kiss in the back seat is to a hormone driven teenager. There’s no stopping.
Day One: I did not eat a cookie.
I planned to eat A cookie. I’m sure that couldn’t hurt much. (Even though I know better!)
I thought about it for a bit. What would it feel like to leave today without eating one of those cookies? What if I didn’t even eat ONE? What if I could sit down at the end of two days of staring down those cookies and write on this blog that i didn’t even lick the icing off of one of them. I didn’t press my finger down into the bottom of the package and taste a few crumbs. What if I could do that?
So, this is what I would write.
I was not defeated.
I DEFEATED the cookies!
That feels good.
This was a weekend on the road.
The first decision was that I would not abandon my diet this weekend, BUT, would relax a bit some of the restrictions.
If I had never done this before I might have some kind of excuse. But this is a lifelong pattern.
That first decision predictably led to total health disaster weekend. And with no regrets … until tonight. I decided I need to be real and accountable to myself and whoever reads this. It’s a lot easier when you don’t think about it.
And so tomorrow I begin again. Again. Again. Again.
The first decision wasn’t really as I described it. My first decision was to get my health back in order. I second-guessed that decision and made a mess of things.
The first decision is the one I need to stick with. I know how to do it … I just … blew it.
If you read this, thanks.
In a recent comment someone talked about exercise. I have a poor attitude toward exercise, even though there is a positive history.
I have at various times in my life taken up racquetball, jogging, fast walking, and a short lived stint with bike riding (someone stole my bike and I never bought another one). Each time I try one of these activities I start off slow and work my way up into greater intensity. But it’s been a few years since I’ve tried.
Suffering through a personal tragedy, I spent two years just forgetting about my own health and eating whatever I wanted. That’s left me in bad shape. My knees hurt. My feet hurt. My back hurts. I lose my breath easily. Exercise seems like something I couldn’t attempt without major problems.
Since I’ve been on an eating plan for the past six weeks, though, I’ve felt better. And maybe at some point I’ll be motivated to work my way into an exercise program.
However, more than the physical problems I’ll have to over come is a big mental roadblock.
And as far as I can see, most of this obesity problem is just a mind game. Get your game on in your mind and the rest is simple math.
Your input on these thoughts is always welcome.
Super Bowl Sunday. Day of eating, snacking, cheering, partying. Yeah.
After doing so well for several weeks on my eating plan I took a day off. Yeah.
Once I started eating, I never stopped. Snacks, cookies, candy, meals too. Yeah.
Tomorrow I’m gonna feel like crap. I’m going to want to just chunk it all and say to hell with it. Yeah.
Been there a thousand times. I never seem to learn how to eat in moderation.
‘Just have a taste of the things you’re tempted by.’
‘Enjoy all things in moderation.’
‘Having a meal off of your eating plan doesn’t mean the whole day has been shot.’
‘Just say no. Stay on plan, don’t be distracted.’
I hear those things and they make sense. But looking back over the past several hour, they don’t make much sense to me. I’m like a shark. Blood in the water. Intensity. Sounds silly to talk about myself that way, but once I get to it, I can’t seem to stop.
Lack of self-control? Definitely.
Although there are several things I never seem to learn, one thing I will do. I’ll start again tomorrow. Because I know a day like this tends to turn into weeks, then months.
Maybe I’m learning …a little.
I don’t think I’m just lazy, but I hate exercise. If I’m honest, though, I really think one reason I hate exercise is that it is such a struggle to do most anything. I hate the way it makes me breathe so heavy. I hate the feeling of exhaustion after doing so little. But you know what I hate even more? That while other people my age are enjoying their lives, I’m sitting on my can.
With the limited amount of weight I have lost this year I already feel a greater interest in being more active.
So I hope it won’t always feel this way. One motive to keep going is that one day I may be able to join the rest of those my age who are enjoying an active lifestyle. Without being embarrassed about it.
As I have mentioned I am a person of faith. Christian, to be more precise. If I try to describe what kind of Christian it starts getting all jumbled up with everyone’s thoughts about what a Christian is or is not. So I’ll just say I’m a Christian. As a Christian I am committed to a kind of lifestyle.
What’s hard for me to do is to write about my (addiction, eating problem, obesity, weight problem, etc) lack of self control in relation to God, while not saying that everyone else who has a weight problem ought to view things the same way. I try hard not to wear the robe of judgment, for that job is already taken. So please do not regard this as a condemnation of you (whether you claim Christ or not).
I need to be able to say that one of my motives for losing weight is that I do not think I have honored God very much with my body. Actually I’ve pretty much destroyed this gift He has given me over the course of many years. I doubt I know the stress and damage I have done that has yet to show itself. Other than my knees hurting, my loss of breath in doing the simplest things, my … you know about it all. Or you wouldn’t be reading this.
What is God thinking when he sees me with a plate of food that will further the damage? Does he see the same thing that I see when I see a drug addict going for one more hit? Or an alcoholic who can barely function lifting the bottle to his lips? Does he wince as I chew the fried food, or as I feel the satisfaction of chocolate? Does He cry with me when I feel the guilt of having made my problem worse … or at least delayed yet another day doing something about it?
I do believe in a God of mercy and grace. I’ll never be perfect. But I don’t want to excuse away my decisions. Because every bite is a decision. I’m so good at turning off my God-consciousness long enough to enjoy a meal – but it has a way of turning itself back on later.
Since I have made a commitment to God and I do follow it in so many areas of my life, I want my eating to also be an area where I follow Him.
Yes, one of my motives for losing weight is God.
Someone my size is often left out. I understand it, of course. Who wants a 300 pound man on his sports team? Even Sumo wrestlers would reject me (although for being too light!).
Really, though, it’s not being left out by others that is my biggest concern. I’m mostly been left out… by myself.
There are so many things I’d like to do that I could do … and would do … but my weight prevents it. And has prevented it for years.
The last flight I took was total misery and I decided not to fly again. That’s just one example.
Not a long post … and not a deep thought … but just a reflection for a moment that there are many things in life I wouldn’t dare do. And I’m the reason why.
So I have to be the reason why this is reversed.